i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's like iHOP with fire
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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