Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
