New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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