Me. At least after what I've been through.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
