Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
