just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
