Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
