you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize