Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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