Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
