So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
