Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
my liver is dry heaving
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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