Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
