Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
