I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize