I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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