i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
