i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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