god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
