so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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