if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
