i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
