I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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