I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
