i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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