Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
