My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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