Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
