You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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