i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
