Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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