I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
