Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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