he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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