I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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