Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
