Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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