I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Enjoy the penises
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
