Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
We're facebook friends in real life
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
