Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
