He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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