Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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