I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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