a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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