I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize