my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
