i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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