Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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