My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
