Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
