i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
