If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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