My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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