When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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