Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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