When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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