yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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