The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
